Archive | June 2012

Back to Me

I find myself sliding into a very positive phase in my life; it’s concurrent with coming back to Myself, so this may be how I actually AM.

Currently I’m throwing out ideas for an event next year that seem to be nearly universally liked and accepted.  (Party planning: it’s in my genes.  I get it from my father.)  I’m helping women in a group I’m part of with dating and social safety, vetting blind dates and identifying stalkers who text anonymously.  I’m actively planning out a water park for the kids in the back yard with a sprinkler, tarps, pool, mist and drip hoses, and about $25 in parts/lumber from Lowe’s.  Maybe $35, that’s a big hose splitter needed.

If I can carry this over to other things, I think I’ll be in good shape.  I do like this person, though.  If this is me, I need to not lose Me again.

 

Crux

I’ve searched myself, and thought, and meditated. 

A decision has been made, and I’m comfortable with it. And the rest of the world is just going to have to cope.

I wanted to write about something that I learned tonight; it’s something that may or may not happen, and if it does happen it’s because there exists one person in the country, possibly the world, who can be trusted to walk in and do it right.  Me. 

It’s a very interesting feeling knowing that you are the only person with the combined skillset to do something.  I rather like it.

I’m back.  It’s been far too long. 

 

(You may tremble in fear and/or anticipation, as you choose. *tongue firmly in cheek*)

Fear and anger in Virginia

We get angry about things that scare us.

It’s much easier to demonize something or someone than it is to deal with it.  We may even consider acting on that anger to castigate or cast out that which scares us as “dealing with it.”  It’s not, and it won’t make it go away.  It only causes harm; to others, if they represent something that frightens us, and to ourselves.  It can cause collateral harm as well.

I’ve tried, in my life, to actually face things instead of getting angry at them.  I’ve been failing lately, and it’s harming someone who means more to me than life.  Time to set a better example.  Even if no one else does, I will; someone has to.

 

“I will.  Someone has to.”  That seems to be one of my purposes in life.  I didn’t ask for it, but things left stagnant, well, they stink.  You can stir things up (which generally just causes more stink) or you can get to the root cause, drain the pool, and figure out how to keep it from happening again.  But getting angry isn’t going to fix anything.

He did what to your what?!

Every now and then conversations occur that must be publicized.

 

me:  He confiscated your monkey?!!??!!!?

Friend:  well

i shot it at him
 
me:  …
 
Friend:  so
 
me:  You shot a screaming monkey at your boss.
 
Friend:  yep
 
I love my friends.

MWM 2013 Regional Gathering – Security spotlight.

*click* MWM 2013 Regional Gathering – Security spotlight. *click*

So this is happening.  Yes, that’s me.  Obviously we’re hamming it up a bit, but I’m actually taking the role seriously and modeling off the myriad con Security teams I’ve seen and been on through my life.  This means I actually get to think about things, make a plan, and be somewhat organized.

Yes, I totally am going to mention that in a job interview when they ask about other interests.

I have found some peace in the last few days, though not as much as I’d hoped.  I have also identified the direct steps I need to feel safe enough to breathe, and have taken the initial ones.  I often use phoenix imagery for the way I handle regaining functionality, though I don’t really “identify” with it.  I’m just another creature who can rise from ashes and desolation.

I’ve also found that I carry a lot of resentment and even anger for the way I’ve been viewed, judged, and stigmatized.  I’m making a bit of peace with that; one of my current tasks is forgiveness of self and one other.  Nothing was said about forgiving anyone else, and it’s not on my priority list.  When you understand that you DON’T have to forgive it makes life a bit less stressful.

I don’t have to forgive.  But I do need to let go.  Let others’ actions be simple data points instead of the raw, unhealing wounds, and they are wounds right now; I can be hurt very badly by rudeness, inconsideration, and being accused of lies.  When things are data points they cease to matter.

Sometimes I envy Cybermen.

Buffer

Thanks to a wonderful friend with whom I girly-, food-, and FMS-geek with, I am now a freelancer.

Which means that my resume can now list me as employed.

Which will put me back into consideration with a lot of companies that unofficially-but-actually refuse to look at currently-unemployed candidates.

It’s not much, but it’s grocery money (especially the way I shop; the only things I’ve had to get in the last week were milk, cream, hot dogs, and grapes for my two little grape addicts) and a bit of fun money. Cover a bill or two, that sort of thing.  And in October cover paying back student loans that I took out to help support us.

Natural resources.

Still thinking about that food forest (Google “food forest Seattle” for original project) and how to implement it.  NPO, definitely.  Many thoughts, unsure how to implement any of them. 

After my post some days ago on needing to meditate and being the one who makes the yarn rather than a knitter, a friend sent me a spindle and roving; she’s a spinner like I’m a knitter.  It turns out that I took to it like a duck to water, and it is indeed meditative.

I wonder if some of the stress we have these days is because of labor-saving devices?  We no longer have to do things by hand; we have machines to card, spin, weave, wash, and dry things.  (I’m restricting to clothes here, but it can apply across the spectrum.)  Yes, it was backbreaking work in many cases; using a washboard is no easy thing.  But I wonder if we didn’t lose the chance to turn off our minds in pursuit of purely physical labor?  To set the body to automatic while our minds shut down and process deeper things. 

These days we primarily do that in sleep or computer games, and I wonder if it’s part of why we see some of the troubles these days that we do?  Even sleep is often broken by lights, sounds, distractions…

So I, for one, choose to find things to lose myself in, to try to get back that peace and deep processing.  I will spin, and use a washboard for stains, and hang laundry in the sun when I can.  I will read, and I will tend a garden.  Maybe I will find myself less stressed, less ill, less harmed.  In future perhaps we will find things that give us that chance again, and we might start to recover as a whole. 

 

Not making any sense, I think, but I’ve had to do too many things this morning and my coffee keeps getting cold.  To say that I am cross is an understatement.

Kickstart it up a notch.

In a discussion with a friend about Kickstarter, I went and actually looked through things on the site.  There are a few things I’d actually like to do, funding being the biggest issue.

I’d like to buy a piece of land in the area, a few acres, and turn it into a free food park.  Have everything from tomatoes and squash to berries to fruit trees growing there, and you take what you need.  Upkeep (including security, sadly) would be via donations and volunteers.   This has been done successfully in a few other places, and with things as they are now I think free access to healthy food would be a boon.

A friend of mine and I were playing with the idea of an outdoor restaurant, set in woods and fields.  Decor would be things like medieval and farmhouse tables… set in forest glades, sunlit fields, etc.  Wine cellars would be scattered around, meals brought via golf cart (and carefully kept hot/cold, that’s one for my engineering brain), and a central kitchen.  The dining experience would be one of a picnic/party in the wilderness, in varying settings (a fairy glade in the woods, flower-strewn butterfly meadow, vineyard, etc); it wouldn’t be cheap, but it would also probably get a lot of weddings and similar booked.

I’m not sure if Kickstarter would do this one, but a fund from which to pay off overdue heat/power bills in certain regions.  The initial target region would be of personal interest to me (an area outside of Pittsburgh, PA), but others would be covered.  Premise is wait until right before the worst weather of the year (ie, coldest, when heat is needed most), then contact power/heating companies, find out who has their heat shut off (or close to), and bring them back to a balance of +$100.  After that they’re on their own, but there are too many people who have to choose between freezing and starving in that weather.  (If Kickstarter wouldn’t, I’m taking suggestions for how to set up a Fairy Godmother fund like that.)

A fund to buy holiday (any variety) presents for those families who aren’t officially poverty-level and make just a hint too much to qualify for anything… but who will otherwise have to skip gift-giving (or holiday dinners) because there just isn’t any money.  It’s specifically aimed at those who fall between the cracks.

Any of these but the restaurant can succeed with just a few dollars from bored strangers.  I just haven’t worked out the budgeting yet, and I have NO idea how to set up a charitable foundation.  (Any resources are welcome.)

I remember fireflies.

As I tucked my daughter into bed tonight, I looked out her bedroom window at the back yard full of fireflies.

I remember delight and water left running.  I remember pleasure in beauty and confused hurt.

Sometimes I tell my daughter that some of them are fairy-flies, and if you look very closely you’ll see that now and then one of those lights isn’t a bug, but a tiny fairy playing in the twilight before bed.  You have to be quick, and they’ll try to dodge you, staying just out of sure view.

One lit on my hand the other night, flashed at me, and flew away.  I wonder if I was granted a wish?  I wonder what wish it was?

I choose to remember beauty, and fairy-flies, and perhaps a wish granted.

Rainbows have nothing to hide.

V. tired the last few days, so sliding in and out of pre-coffee headspace.  Singing daughter to sleep tonight with “Rainbow Connection” and registered — describes, maybe, what I’m seeing/collating data on with social quantum entanglement?  (MUCH more complex than single/dual particles, which is what science is at right now.  Difference between two elements interacting and multiple complex chemical compounds interacting.)

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what’s on the other side?

Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide.

So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it; I know they’re wrong, wait and see.

Someday we’ll find it: the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me.

 

Looking at the lyrics now I’m not quite sure what triggered the association.  It made sense at the time.  But when I figure it out, how people are connected, I’m going to call it the Rainbow Connection. 

 

All of us under its spell… we know that it’s probably magic

I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it, it’s something that I’m s’posed to be.

Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection — the lovers, the dreamers, and me.

 

Someday I’ll find it.

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