Introspection, to the positive.

Something that I have discovered, as I’ve come back to Me. 

It used to be that I’d hear of a friend getting married or having a baby and be secretly envious; my congratulations and happiness for them were tainted inside by my own jealousy and wondering why I couldn’t have that.

That… doesn’t appear to be the case anymore.  In finding ME again, I look at a good friend who’s getting married in October and I am as happy for her as I would be if it were me.  Happier, even; I take delight in the love she and her fiance share, and was only truly at ease over it (she has a rough history and I don’t want her to be hurt again) once I understood the depth of feeling he has for her.  I just found out that some close friends are expecting, and I am BEYOND happy for them!  I can’t even describe it, but I am utterly thrilled.

I like this Me.  I don’t know where the jealousy and envy and sulky “why can’t I have that?!” went, but I’m glad it’s gone.  I didn’t like it and I didn’t need it, and I always had some self-hatred because of it.  I wonder if it wasn’t an artifact of other people, almost; I can’t describe it, but it may have gone away when I shook off the shadows and projections that others threw on me and tried to make me believe.  (Not just my recent ex, but pretty much all my life.)  I love being able to take joy in others’ joy; it feels right, like something’s finally clicking where it should be in my psyche.


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