Someone laced my coffee with haterade this morning.

Today I am filled with hate.  Even with all the Zen warm fuzzy self-improvement shit, I am still capable of it.

The hate is from seeing hypocrisy, and lies, and seeing people who could help stand by and victim-blame when someone was begging for help in an abusive situation that it was later found out they passively contributed to.  Seeing people who claim to live by honor encourage others in dishonor.  Seeing people treat myself and my children, plural, as replaceable — to the point that I was told that I am (I am not.)

I wish I could let it go and rise above it.  I would be freer, and it would not be giving them power over me.  Unfortunately it’s not that simple; is it ever?

For now I am reminded that as deeply and strongly as I can love, I can also hate.  I love much more easily, to my detriment, but my hatred has to be earned over a long period of time and repeated actions.  If earning my love were the same I might be better off and hurt less.

Normally I try to return good for ill; it’s my nature.  With this, though, I really don’t think I can.  I really can’t deal with people without the capacity for empathy, and the best I can do right now is return hatred for judgement and encouraged dishonor.

I don’t like hating.  I’m going to go care for my son and collect money to once again save the day and buy groceries for my children. At some point I’ll probably get generous and offer to pay for the housemate’s medication refill.  Then I think I’ll bake cupcakes from scratch and change gyms.  That sounds nice.  Domestic and self-care help ease hatred.  Especially if I refuse to share the tasty red velvet cupcakes with the people I hate.

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