Gaudeo

I am returning to me.

Somehow, some way, I’m undoing the damage of years of negativity, of pain, of hell.

I can see glimpses of my Self, finally.  I’ve felt it before; recently there have been times when I could feel the core of power, of strength, humming through me.  Others in my past have indicated that they can see or sense it somehow, and they seem to do their best to stay with me through the years, and to seek me out if they lose touch.  When I was sixteen, someone met me and described it as an incredible huge column of pure light and peace and calm, and she sort of… relaxed.  Totally, like a cat in a sunbeam but more so.  She didn’t want to leave my presence at all.

I got a glimpse of it tonight.  There’s a wellspring of joy, pure, unadulterated joy and hope.  My synaesthesia causes me to perceive it as strong, pure, white luminescence with gold and silver lowlights bubbling like water and spilling out; I’d need the help of excellent CGI to reproduce it in a way others could see.  If you subscribe to the belief in ley lines, it’s like I’m walking around with a pure, untainted one in me.

Part of it is helped by being, soon, in a position I want and need to be in, that of supporting my little family and having my own household.  But part of it is just pure Me, what’s been there all along, all my life.  And part has been helped by someone who is totally unaware; they haven’t even really done anything, but every time I’m around them I come away feeling stronger, surer, and more confident in and at peace with myself.  Closer to that core (Core?), that Center, that is Me.  A friend who saw me a month or so ago told me that for the first time in the decade he’s known me, I’m smiling with my eyes.

This is good.  And this person… they’re not doing anything, particularly, that I know of.  I just feel happier after being around them, and now it seems to have taken on its own momentum and my Self is finally accessible, perceptible, to me.  They’re a romantic prospect… and while yes, there’s always the hope that things work out because that’s wonderful and happy, it’s okay if it doesn’t (though I hope that it does.)  Something about them was a key, somehow, to unlocking Me.  I don’t know if they read this, but if they do, well, everyone needs a hero… sometimes just to show them who they are, just by existing.  And maybe our lives were just supposed to cross enough to unlock this, or maybe this is the start of something else, and either is okay.  And I hope that I have a similar effect on them.

It’s like stepping into a psychic regeneration tank.  Scars and calluses and wrinkles and pain are reversing.  It won’t be constant, and it won’t be overnight, but the joy and hope and love that are the core of Me are there, I can see them now, and I know they won’t go away.

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