I dreamed last night of a man.
He was tall, and handsome, and dark, and charismatic, with an amazing smile. And we were friends, and sometime lovers. And I woke up one morning to see that he’d dropped me on Facebook (funny how that sneaks into things, isn’t it?) And he said he couldn’t talk to me, and when I asked him why he said he had handlers now who wouldn’t let him.
I don’t remember the middle of the dream, but I do remember at the end things working out and we were together, and the dream ended with us standing together, him behind me holding me and me leaning into his chest smiling up at him and his family standing by looking on in approval.
I realised at some point that the man was a conflation of several from my past; the computer wizard rocket scientist, the fencing ballroom dancing former model rocket scientist, the biker, a flavor of one of the NSA flirtations… at the end, though, he collapsed down to someone else who wasn’t them. I recognized the face. (The family, oddly, looked more like they were related to the computer genius rocket scientist, but wouldn’t match his family. Who knows.) (Yes, I collected rocket scientists for a while.)
My suspicion is that my brain is informing me that I have an abandonment complex, which I already knew; it’s part of why I’m determined to be self-sufficient (and in a few months will be doing nicely at it, thankyouverymuch.) I’m guessing it’s also telling me that a lot of the good qualities I loved about those men are actually present in the person who was there at the end; that remains to be seen. As does whether that person will actually be there.
Who knows. I’m somewhat annoyed because I really don’t have time for this right now; I have childcare to arrange, a new job to prep for (and in fact will be scouting the route in traffic and bad weather today, since I’d rather have a generous estimate to avoid ever being late) and packing to do if I intend to move around the second half of November. I don’t have time for romantic confusion. (To be honest, I’d really prefer to either be totally single or to have an actual boyfriend I don’t have to share right now. The in-between stuff ends up distracting me too much because I don’t know where I stand and I fret.) I could just ignore it, but if my brain has started throwing dreams at me (this isn’t the first or even second time in the last month) it needs to be dealt with. (This is what happens when a cynical engineer dates. I really should write that damn manual.)