Turn, turn, turn

It’s Hallowe’en, All Hallows’ Eve, Samhain, however you want to think of it.  It’s a night of the Veil being thin, and costumes, and often of reviewing the last year.

In my last year I have tried desperately to salvage something unhealthy for me, lost my dearest companion of sixteen years, finally come to terms with my Self and started to heal, started looking around again, found my core again, found a new job and a new house and had things starting to look up.

I also found someone who actually made me smile, and more deeply happy than I wanted to think about.  And I didn’t know what I wanted, and went all over the place, and managed to screw it up.  Badly.  I really don’t have anyone to blame but myself; those who know me well know that I can connect with ANYONE if I want to.  It’s a gift, a weapon, an oddity… whatever you want to call it, but I can do it without trying.  And a disconnect was cited, and that… that was pure me.  I knew I was putting up walls.  I… *sigh*  I screwed up, and it was because of rebound and other pain and not really knowing what I wanted and still healing, and instead of explaining I deliberately and consciously, with forethought and decision, put space and walls and missed frequencies.  (If you can match anyone, you can MISmatch anyone.)  And I’m stupid for it and sorry and it’s my own damn fault and can’t be fixed.

I guess it’s a good contrast; I thought that the failure of things past was me.  This drove home that it wasn’t, because I have my own special brand of fucking up that’s unmistakeable.  And while one of the benefits of being an attractive redhead is that I found an impressive someone delighted to soothe my ego and pride rather quickly*, I’m still hurting at the loss of someone I really liked as a person.

My focus now is on moving, and making my own space with my children, and moving forward with work.  My lease starts tomorrow, and I’ll be moving in two surges with the first on Veteran’s Day.

I can take what I’ve learned now as a lesson, and forgive myself for not being able to make things work with my son’s father, and with my daughter’s father, and with someone between with whom I could happily have lived and loved and laughed for the next few centuries.  It wasn’t me, and I genuinely did everything I could with them; the only fault was my choice of males.  That’s weighed on me, trying to figure out what I did wrong, how I screwed up, how I kept screwing up, and I understand now that it wasn’t me.  Because when it IS me, it’s obvious.  So, forgiveness of self, and no longer castigating myself for wrongs I didn’t do.

This new cycle will start on a positive.  I have an excellent job where I feel safe and happy and productive.  I’m moving into a house that’s beautiful, welcoming, and will be a wonderfully happy home for myself and my children.  And I will work on forgiving myself for the screwups I never did, and work on no longer seeing some aspects of myself as negative just because they overwhelm most people.  Those aspects are why I need a hero-level consort, and that is not a bad thing.  It just means that my baseline levels are so far into epic that only the extraordinary will do, which says some fairly interesting and mostly positive things about my true nature.

* “What’s the mating call of a blonde? ‘I’m so drunk!’  What’s the mating call of a redhead? ‘NEXT!'”

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