I have been, and always shall be, your friend.

I am analytical.

I accumulate and categorize data points, and I act on those.  I generally know answers to technical things, to the point that when I worked at NASA my coworkers called me Spock for my tendency to correctly answer a question asked across the room without looking up from what I was doing and my ability to basically speak the same language as the spacecraft we flew.

Some of my friends call me a mentat.  When confronted with a situation I don’t understand, I will analyze it until I do.  I’m half-computer, essentially, and very good at it.

It’s a defense mechanism.

I’ve been emotionally and mentally brutalized so badly that it’s easier and safer to be a computer, to be half-Vulcan.  If I don’t let emotion come into things, I can’t be hurt.  If I can be smart and good at things and quick at learning, my job might be safe and my coworkers and bosses might not treat me like I’m mentally deficient vermin.  Being half-computer has served me well.

Until now.  Something happened, and I got scared and deliberately, consciously, and logically screwed it up, and analyzed it to death.  And now that I see what I’ve done, I see what’s behind it — fear.  I’m afraid to let myself be happy.  I’m terrified of the loss of control, and analysis gives me control.

But I bleed red.  And I don’t know how to not be analytical and logical and just let things happen and flow.  I think that may be the next step in where I’m supposed to be — learning to let things be.  Learning to let go of my fear of happiness.

It’s time for this Spock to learn to be human again.

Don’t get me wrong.  My analytical side has served me well, and will always be a part of me.  But it’s not all of me, and I can’t continue letting it be.  It is, and always has been, my friend.
And now it’s time to learn to be me.


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