Archive | December 2012

Just the beginning, not the end

End of one cycle, the beginning of another.  Maybe a new one, maybe one older than Time itself, or even outside of Time.

I did get most of the things on my Christmas list, including many of the intangibles, though not in the forms I intended; always be careful in phrasing.

I finally went back to the doctor as well, since the bronchitis I had earlier this month morphed into a fairly spectacular sinus infection and the cough never went away.  Starting the new year on heavy antibiotics and cough syrup that works isn’t a bad thing, and I do feel quite a lot better.  I’ve taken steps to make a dentist appointment as well, and to actually start therapy.

Yep.  I’m voluntarily looking at therapy.  There’s a block I have that keeps me from letting anyone get close to me emotionally.  It’s never really been an issue before; recent damage seems to have exacerbated it, and to be frank I never really knew anyone I wanted to let close enough without making them fight through the thorny wasteland that is the outskirts of my psyche.  Essentially, I finally found a man worth going into therapy for.  Whether or not things will work out in the end, I don’t know; we’re cautious friends right now.  I just know that this one’s worth not making walk through the gauntlet.

So I’m starting out the new year on track to being healthier, physically and mentally; financially I’m in decent shape, only getting better as things go on.  I can pay rent and bills and groceries on one paycheck with some to spare before child support, which is something I’m very much not used to and very much like.  I’m getting my house taken care of slowly, and the children and I are settling in nicely.  And possibly most importantly, I’m wrapping my head around the concept of being happy.

It’s a good way to start.

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Christmas list

I try to post a list every year, though things on it may not be anything material.  Or they might be.  It depends on a lot of factors.  This year…

 

Assurance that my job will stay safe.

Some jewelry-making supplies including gem pliers and raw materials.  Or a gift certificate to Fire Mountain Gems.

Big ol’ bottle of Maker’s Mark… I AM Southern, after all.

A 2-3-day-a-week nanny, willing to be at my place at 3:30am and stay until 6:30 or 7pm (traffic can be EVIL.)

A kiss under the mistletoe from someone in particular.

A kiss under the mistletoe from someone I don’t mind kissing.  (I have a few in mind.)

One or two corsets (Again, I have particular ones in mind.)

My singing voice back.

My children and myself to be healthy again.

The courage to tell someone how I really feel about them… and have them not reject me.

Open-back bookcases of dark wood for my living room/library.

A four-poster king-size bedframe, dark wood, medieval and sturdy. I saw a perfect one a while back but it got sold.

Falk cookware (except skillets.)

 

At least it’s not “decorations bought at Tiffany’s.”

Trying to make sense of it all.

My daughter and I went shopping today, and as we’re both introverts we got overwhelmed after a while.  I stopped in a nail salon I’ve been to before and got us both pedicures, and while we were waiting for our toenails to dry (hers purple with white-petaled flowers and mine a glorious dark metallic red) I was talking with the salon owner about the Connecticut shootings and the news.  His daughter was there too, maybe a year older than mine, and she said that she’s scared to go to school now.   She was trying to make sense of things and wanted to know why.

I explained that it’s okay to be scared, but we can’t let that make us hide away because then the evil ones out there will be running the world. That as much evil as there is, there is also good. Her school and house are in range of fire stations 13 and 18, and I told her that I know personally that there are people there who are very good at protecting and saving lives and love doing it. That the reason this is all over the news is because it is so rare, though it is better to be prepared; that if anything ever does happen, stay calm and think things through and panic only once you’re safe. That we can’t let evil force us into hiding.  That yes, there are bad people out there… but there are also good ones, so in things like this look for the ones who are helping — the EMTs and firefighters, the police, the teachers who did their best to keep the children safe.  They exist, and they will help protect.

She wanted to know what was going on and looked up things in the news; I asked her if reading about what happened was going to help or make it worse, if she really wanted to know details.  She thought about it, then nodded.  I told her that we may never understand, but that knowing what happened can help us make a kind of sense of it and be prepared if anything happens again.  That there is evil, but there is also good; we just don’t see the good ones who balance the evil ones, generally, until the evil gets out of hand.

She also asked me why people steal money; she said she understood the difference between stealing and shooting, but why would people steal money?  I tried to explain that one, that sometimes people need money to get food and things to take care of someone but don’t know any better way to get it.  And sometimes, unfortunately more often, it’s because people think they need something, like drugs or other things, and their heads get messed up and they steal money to get these things that they don’t actually need.  She asked what drugs were, and I said “Something I hope you never encounter.  They’ll mess you up badly.”  She accepted my explanation and we went back to sorting out CT.
 
It seemed to help. I hope it did.  Her head was higher and she seemed to have some resolve in her back.

Back on track, maybe

Starting in my teens, I always had mental images, sort of recurring very consistent daydreams, that seemed to be set in the Southwest.  A condo or house, something with a walled or half-walled garden; rocks and sand and desert.  When I was twenty I started getting images of a job of some sort, with authority and a city view (at night, so apparently nonstandard hours) and deadlines and I was happy and confident in it.  I could even see how I looked in some of them, and it was obvious that I’d had a couple of children (from the bustline *cough*) and wasn’t exactly in my 20s, and these were good things.

These images stayed with me and always felt comfortable, though I couldn’t fathom how they’d be part of my life.  I could even see the color of car I’d be driving (medium blue.)  I felt enough of a call to the Southwest that when I was up for another vacation with the man who became my last ex-husband, I insisted that it be a road trip through the Southwest.  We drove through Colorado, New Mexico, Texas, and Arizona, and stopped in several places to sightsee.

There is a call to the area for me.  Nowhere was quite right, but there’s somewhere in the Southwest I’m supposed to be, that resonates with something in me.  I’ll know it when I’m there, and it reinforced those images.

And then I had the hell job, and met the ex-housemate, and got pregnant with my son, and those images just stopped.

After a while I forgot about them. 

And now they’ve roared back into my life.  I had a conversation with someone the other day, and the concept of moving there came under discussion.  I confessed a bit of my old desire to go out there, maybe live out there if I could find something in my field.  The response was a job posting with a company in my field, within range of my expertise, in the city the person I was talking to wants to move to.

Yesterday at work I got a glimmer of the old work images, and realised that they’ve been there since about my second week with my company.  It’s not outside the realm of possibility that I could remain working with them and move where I please, especially since it’s in range of one of our facilities.

This morning I woke up with all the old images in my head.  My house/apartment, driving, living out there… I don’t know where it is, but it’s there and it’s apparently a possibility.  Or even a probability, quantum resonance echoing back down the temporal axis.  (There is no one defined future; it’s a sheaf of probabilities, and the choices we make turn us to the future stemming from those choices.  Some do resonate more strongly, though, and if we have the Will we can make them happen.)

I feel like I’m back on track, and this makes me feel calmer and centered.  And there are some interesting possibilities in the cards.  I’m staying where I am for at least the next five years, but that will give me time to grow in my career and plan and research.  Who knows?

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