Phoenixing.

So I started therapy.  We knew this.

And officially I have “adjustment disorder.”

Functionally I have PTSD.  And I’ve had it since I was around four.  And the therapist said I’m in the top 2-3 cases he’s seen in his entire quarter-century career for severity.

I’ve suspected as much for years now, though I didn’t register that it started that early.  And a lot of things make SENSE now.  Having it confirmed, though, having independent confirmation that I’m not oversensitive, not overreacting, not hypochondriacal or a tender widdle snowfwake who demands coddling… that part?  That takes a lot of adjustment, and there’s a lot of rage at everyone in my life who ever said that.

And then there’s the secondary rage.  PTSD changes the neurological and limbic systems. In children, it can REALLY screw things up permanently.  I never had a chance.

And then I look at what I am, what I’ve accomplished, what I’ve done.  And that’s WITH a disability that was probably caused by the hell I’ve been through, WITH a skewed limbic and nervous system.  And then I thought… what could I have done if I weren’t damaged?

And then…

Then I thought:

Fuck you.  Fuck everything.  I’ll be what I was supposed to be EVEN THROUGH the damage.

My entire life has been coated in ashes, smothering the flame.  But one of my names, given me by others, is Ember.  And you know what embers do?  Something disturbs the ash coat, they get a breath of air… and catch everything around them on fire until you have a blaze that can destroy everything or warm and inspire and give life to everyone.  A raging storm of flame, ripping across the land and leaving charred ash in its wake… until the next rain, when new life rises that couldn’t until the overhanging, choking debris above was cleared.

That’s about going to be my life right now.  The baggage, the untrue, the hindrances will be burned away.  Anyone close best be wearing protective gear and understand exactly what they’re looking at.  My house is called the Firestorm for good reason; it’s a safe place, and I am in the heart of it.

And from the flames and ashes I will rise with my children, and we’ll fly higher and burn brighter than anyone could ever imagine, and we won’t burn out.

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