Do you ever sit back, look at everything around you, and wonder exactly how the heck you got here?
Has it ever been in a good context?
That’s where I am right now. I have a stable job that pays well. I have a house — rental, but I have a lot of leeway with it, and it’s next to an excellent school. I will have a garden this summer. These things let me take care of my two wonderful, amazing, brilliant, sweet, beautiful children.
Even by conventional standards I’m in the “well-off” category. My birth mother, who was materialistic and status-seeking as hell, would even be pleased if she knew (and would then try to glom on to some of it.) I have a decent-sized yard with trees, a nice car (not luxury, but I don’t want a luxury car), a nanny (necessary for my situation but still normally associated with certain things), and I’m now looking at buying a boat after I pay back a Fairy Godparent loan and make my damn dentist appointment. (Not a sailboat or yacht or anything, just a 10-12′ Zodiac because an inflatable, portable motorboat is Damn Useful for some things and can be considered part of my own personal apocalypse supply kit.)
But on the things that really matter, now there I’m rich. I have intelligent, beautiful, healthy children (who actually LIKE vegetables.) I have truly amazing and wonderful friends around the world who care about me even when I’m too far in a hole to respond. As exes go, my children’s fathers are fairly reasonable. I have a fantastic stepmother and father. I won’t talk about my love life right now past saying that I am… still adjusting to being cherished and cared for and accepted as I am, bitchy/catty sides and all. I have a job that I don’t hate, am good at, and pays well enough that I don’t have to count pennies at the grocery store and can give to others.
I’ve been thinking a lot about everything.
There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, mostly good, some unpleasant as hell while we work to better. I can’t talk about one of the big ones right now, but I have support through it and I will protect my children no matter what it takes.
Had a conversation with someone yesterday that got me thinking about what I want, on a very serious level. Casual dating and fun is all very well and good, but eventually, in the not-too-distant future, I do want a serious, permanent relationship. I’m happy enough single, but I really am just the type who wants to settle down; I always have been, I just had no idea how to do it in an actual healthy manner. I have two beautiful, amazing, brilliant children… and I would kinda like a third. With a partner. Let’s be honest, a husband — I want a ring (that I’m not allergic to, so silver or platinum because I will not be taking it off) and a commitment to myself and my children and a party and being carried over the threshold and a honeymoon somewhere with waterfalls and rainbows. I want someone to share a bed with at night, who will pause and watch me when I’m bathing my children, who WANTS to have a baby with me. Who will be there through the pregnancy, and hold me, and maybe catch his newborn son (I just have a feeling that I’ll have another boy) if he doesn’t faint, and get lost just watching me nurse our child. Someone who sees me not as a broodmare but as a mother, and a partner, and who is proud to be my husband, who will care for and protect me so that I can protect my — our — children. Who loves my first two children just as much as my third child, and loves and trusts me to do what’s best for us all. Who wants me to be the mother of his child(ren), and who takes pleasure in seeing me being a mother, and who will wrap his arms around us when he sees me cuddling all of my children, and who will rub my shoulders or take over for a little bit when I get too overwhelmed by it, because it IS overwhelming. I say this with two children already, but I am also a single mother.
My naked soul… heh. We all want things like this, with different variations depending on who we are. I’m just open/honest about it, really. And I am happy single, I truly am. Some of the stuff going on is in the therapy I started, and I finally have something on my terms so that I am not battling anxiety-to-sheer-terror every single day, and I’m seeing who I am under that. And I like what I see. A lot. I could even — in a non-creepy, non-narcissistic way — fall in love with myself, because I’m pretty goddamn amazing.
A bit late, I guess, but I’m still young. Ish.