Brakes? We don’t need no steekin’ brakes!

There were a few other things I meant to post on, and I will eventually, but for now I’m going with an observation about myself.

Last night I went out dancing and reconnected with some old friends I haven’t seen in a decade.  I also cut loose some, took the brakes off.  Normally I’m reluctant to do this because I get attacked, treated as attention-seeking, etc.  But the reaction last night was… positive.  From both genders, which I’m not used to.  And I felt fairly happy, and still do.  Like part of me is coming back.  I woke up feeling good.  And like I’m regaining some of my strength, sort of more powerful/utilizing more of the immense store of power and ability that I have.

The thing about me with the brakes off is that I overwhelm people if I’m not in a group setting, and sometimes even then.  I stand out; people notice me, for good or ill.  This may be partly due to my basic nature of “why the hell not?” for some things.

Other aspects include being a lot freer with physical affection.  That’s something that used to be part of me and who I was, but was abused by some people and then got locked down after I started dating my daughter’s father.  Now… I don’t know if I’ve lost sight of it or if I’ve actually changed.  Last night would tend to indicate the former; there are also other indications that it may be my basic nature.  I’m still analyzing, and, I admit, running system tests.

Switched therapists; my old one was more interested in following the drama that was a recent relationship than in actually working on things with me, and I need tools — not platitudes.  I think the new one will work out well.


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